If this is me, I don’t wanna be me anymore. I don’t wanna spend my Saturdays in bed crying and hyperventilating, what is 20 strangers anyway? I’m gonna meet a lot more than twenty people in my life. I can’t continue to be scared of every single one. I don’t wanna go to bed at 5pm on Monday and hide under the sheets every chance I get. I’m sick of being sad for no reason. I don’t deserve to be sad. I don’t deserve to be scared. I don’t deserve a lot of things; Paddy for example. What the fuck am I doing there?! I don’t trust myself to be loyal to him. I’m literally scared of myself cheating on him, how fucked up is that. My behaviour on new years was totally out of line. So early into this brand new relationship I’d wanted sooo bad and here I am claiming I only “sorta” have a boyfriend. Half of me wants to tear myself away from him, save him from the hurt, but the other half of me knows my heart strings are keeping me tied to him. Thats the bit that will tear, and I don’t know if I can deal with that. I’m so fragile. Hes the glue holding me together, and at the same time some part of me is trying to smash him into shreds. Trying to smash myself into shreds.